Throwback Thursday: 5 Ways to Write a Terrible Novel

Originally published: 18/06/2017

You might recall, if you’ve been putting up with this blog long enough, that I once wrote a post on how to avoid becoming a writer. Of course, if you are a writer, you’ll know how insistent that little Inner-Writer’s voice can be, constantly banging on about the different ideas he’s come up with that you absolutely have to write. You might find it simply impossible not to write.

But fear not, ye who are enslaved by the urge to write. Your salvation is at hand. If you dread becoming a full time author, but cannot resist the urge to write, there is another solution: write badly.

It’s easy to do. Just follow these simple steps.

1. Use Dry Descriptions; Avoid Figurative Language

How you describe things can often be the difference between an excellent story and a terrible one. I can’t labour this point enough. Using metaphors, personifications and other forms of figurative language can turn even the most unexciting passages of narrative into a thing of sheer beauty, whereas dry descriptions can make even the most intense scenes seem duller than the Phone Book. Allow me to demonstrate using the first few lines of John Steinbeck’s Cup of Gold:

All afternoon the wind sifted out of the black Welsh glens, crying notice that Winter was come sliding down over the world from the Pole; and riverward there was the faint moaning of new ice. It was a sad day, a day of gray unrest, of discontent.

Steinbeck, J. (2000), Cup of Gold, Penguin Classics, UK. p. 1

This is what you want to avoid. All Steinbeck is doing here is describing the weather, yet it’s so chock full of figurative and poetic language that it’s an absolute joy to read. It flows beautifully and really makes you feel like you’re there, in the Welsh glens, feeling the cold of winter rolling in from the Pole. If you write like that, everybody will want to read your novel. Instead, aim for something like this:

It had been windy all afternoon in the black Welsh glens. You could tell it was nearly winter. In fact, the river was starting to freeze. The sky was grey and the mood was sad. There was a bit of a breeze and a bad feeling in the air.

Considering the above paragraph is only two and a bit lines long, you’ve got to admit… it’s a tedious read. I got bored writing it! You can be sure your reader will get bored if you write your whole novel that way.

2. Use Stock Characters

You know how I’m always saying that characters are people, and should therefore have all the wonderful complexity and contradiction that make up a real person? Well… forget all that. If you want to write a bad story, you’ve got to make sure your characters are as flat, predictable and stereotypical as possible. So, you might have characters like this:

Johnny Famous (our dashing hero). He’s strong, noble and righteous in all things. He neither smokes nor drinks, has no skeletons in his closet and knows neither fear nor selfishness.

Emperor Zorg (dark lord of all). Wears a black cape and wants to conquer the universe. Thinks love is a weakness. Lives in a black castle, or maybe an underground base.

Daisy Divine (love interest). Stunningly beautiful and serves no function in the story except to be rescued by and fall in love with Johnny. If you must give her a back story, don’t let it be anything that might interfere with her living happily ever after with Johnny.

3. Use ‘deus ex machina’

Even the most well written story can be ruined at the last minute by deus ex machina (‘God in the machine’). This is a technique writers sometimes use (usually when they can’t figure out how to progress the story in a way which is believable and satisfying) which essentially involves a random, improbable or otherwise unsatisfying solution to your story.

Just the other day I was watching an episode of Star Trek: Voyager called ‘Twisted’ in which a spacial implosion ring is slowly twisting and crushing the entire ship from the outside in. Eventually the regular cast find themselves trapped in the one and only unaffected room on the ship and are desperately trying to come up with a solution to save themselves before that room also implodes. Finally, they accept that they can do nothing but accept their fate. The implosion ring enters the room and begins to crush the remaining crew…

Then it suddenly disappears and everything is fine. Turns out the implosion ring wasn’t nearly as deadly as it seemed. In fact, it was trying to communicate.

I wasted an hour of my life watching that. Take note: deus ex machina is a great way to make your readers hate you forever.

4. Employ Numerous Cliches

Actually, just between you and me, you can sometimes include a tiny amount of small, carefully camouflaged cliches in a story and still end up with a good story… but as a rule of thumb, the more cliches you have and the more obvious they are, the more terrible your story will be.

There’s an almost endless list of possible cliches you could use to make your story extra-awful, but a few examples include:

  • The Chosen One: Our hero thinks he’s just an ordinary guy but it turns out he is actually the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy and must save the world because it’s his destiny (in a good story, the protagonist will act in a way which is in keeping with their own motivations and desires).
  • Love conquers all: Just when all seems lost and the world is doomed, the bad guy’s evil plans are utterly thwarted because someone performs some great act of love (usually either involving sacrificing oneself for another or just plain old fashioned snogging).
  • The Final Battle: The whole story culminates in final dramatic fisticuffs between the noble hero and the evil dark lord in which, after a bit of a wobbly start which is supposed to make the reader think all is lost, the noble hero inevitably wins.

5. Info Dump

To understand what is going on in your story, your reader must be aware of certain facts. Characters’ backstories or particulars about how your fictional world works, for instance. Good writers feed this information to their readers in small doses and, where possible, will subtly weave it into the narrative so as not to drag the pace of their story down to a tedious belly-crawl.

But you don’t want to be a good writer! You want to write a terrible novel, so make sure your novel reads like a textbook of facts and figures about the history of your characters and the world they inhabit. Ideally, if you can devote the first chapter or two entirely to providing facts and backstory without getting down to telling the actual story, you can be sure your reader will put your book down without finishing it. If that seems too hard, try to info-dump in a character’s dialogue instead. For example,

‘I was born on the 29th of May 1982 at the Queen Mary Maternity Hospital to Jean and Philip Jones.’ said Peter Jones. ‘I lived with them in the leafy suburbs of Anytown all my life until I met Miss Backstory who broke my heart and now I can’t handle adult relationships at all…’

Follow even just some of these steps and I can guarantee you, you’ll never write a good story in your puff. No matter how many manuscripts you complete and submit for publication, you can still return to your tedious office job day after day, secure in the knowledge that you’ll die at that grindstone before you ever have to take the plunge to become a professional, full time author.


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ATTENTION AUTHORS:

Every Tuesday, I post a new edition of Spotlight: a short post which shines a proverbial spotlight on a published novel or collection of short fiction. If you would like to have your book considered for a future edition of Spotlightdrop us an e-mail including a short synopsis of your book and a link to where we can buy it. Better yet, send me a copy of your book and I can include a mini-review.

I’m still looking to interview fiction authors here on Penstricken, especially new or indie authors. Whether it’s books, plays, comics or any other kind of fiction, if you’ve got something written, I want to hear about it. If you’re interested in having your work featured on Penstricken, be to sure to drop us an e-mail or message us on Facebook/Twitter/Pinterest.

Please be advised that due to a recent surge in interest, I am presently committed to a significant number of reviews/interviews over the next couple of months. If you would like an interview or review, I would still love to hear from you, though it is unlikely that I will be able to begin work immediately.

You can check out our previous interviews here:

Spotlight: The Lost War by Justin Lee Anderson

The war is over, but something is rotten in the state of Eidyn.

With a ragged peace in place, demons burn farmlands, violent Reivers roam the wilds and plague has spread beyond the Black Meadows. The country is on its knees.

In a society that fears and shuns him, Aranok is the first magically-skilled draoidh to be named King’s Envoy.

Now, charged with restoring an exiled foreign queen to her throne, he leads a group of strangers across the ravaged country. But at every step, a new mystery complicates their mission.

As bodies drop around them, new threats emerge and lies are revealed, can Aranok bring his companions together and uncover the conspiracy that threatens the kingdom?

Strap in for this twisted fantasy road trip from award-winning author Justin Lee Anderson.

Praise for ThE Lost War


Overall a good tale in this genre and if you like any of these fantasy elements: magic, demons, ghosts, zombie types, interesting characters and well -written twisted storylines, then this might be for you.

Rosie Amber, ‘Rosie’s #Bookreview Of Epic #Fantasy THE LOST WAR by Justin Lee Anderson @authorjla #TuesdayBookBlog’, Rosie Amber, 15/10/2019


Earth-shakingly fabulous…. Every cell in me woke up and went on the adventure that the author took me on. The blood in my veins rushed in a tempo which matched the excitement this story brought about.

Shalini, ‘Book Review – The Lost War by Justin Lee Anderson @authorjla #BookReview #BookBlogger #fantasy’, Shalini’s Books and Reviews, 31/08/2019

Have you read The Lost War? Why not leave a wee comment below and let us know what you thought of it.

Click here to buy The Lost War on Amazon.

Click here to check out Justin Lee Anderson’s website.


Thanks for taking the time to read this post. If you enjoyed it, don’t forget to ‘like’ this post and also follow us so you never miss another post. You can also follow Penstricken on TwitterPinterest and like Penstricken on Facebook.

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ATTENTION AUTHORS:

Every Tuesday, I post a new edition of Spotlight: a short post which shines a proverbial spotlight on a published novel or collection of short fiction. If you would like to have your book considered for a future edition of Spotlightdrop us an e-mail including a short synopsis of your book and a link to where we can buy it. Better yet, send me a copy of your book and I can include a mini-review.

I’m still looking to interview fiction authors here on Penstricken, especially new or indie authors. Whether it’s books, plays, comics or any other kind of fiction, if you’ve got something written, I want to hear about it. If you’re interested in having your work featured on Penstricken, be to sure to drop us an e-mail or message us on Facebook/Twitter/Pinterest.

Please be advised that due to a recent surge in interest, I am presently committed to a significant number of reviews/interviews over the next couple of months. If you would like an interview or review, I would still love to hear from you, though it is unlikely that I will be able to begin work immediately.

You can check out our previous interviews here:

Monday Motivation


Thanks for taking the time to read this post. If you enjoyed it, don’t forget to ‘like’ this post and also follow us so you never miss another post. You can also follow Penstricken on TwitterPinterest and like Penstricken on Facebook.

Want a blog of your own? Start writing today with WordPress.com!

WordPress.com Jetpack WooCommerce

ATTENTION AUTHORS:

Every Tuesday, I post a new edition of Spotlight: a short post which shines a proverbial spotlight on a published novel or collection of short fiction. If you would like to have your book considered for a future edition of Spotlightdrop us an e-mail including a short synopsis of your book and a link to where we can buy it. Better yet, send me a copy of your book and I can include a mini-review.

I’m still looking to interview fiction authors here on Penstricken, especially new or indie authors. Whether it’s books, plays, comics or any other kind of fiction, if you’ve got something written, I want to hear about it. If you’re interested in having your work featured on Penstricken, be to sure to drop us an e-mail or message us on Facebook/Twitter/Pinterest.

Please be advised that due to a recent surge in interest, I am presently committed to a significant number of reviews/interviews over the next couple of months. If you would like an interview or review, I would still love to hear from you, though it is unlikely that I will be able to begin work immediately.

You can check out our previous interviews here:

Super Snappy Speed Reviews: Cbeebies Edition

It’s time for another exciting edition of Super Snappy Speed Reviews. This week, I’m focusing exclusively on children’s TV from the Cbeebies channel, so roll up, parents of toddlers, as I review this small selection of my own little girl’s favourite TV shows.

You all know how these things work by now. I’ve selected five random children’s shows from the Cbeebies channel and written tiny little reviews of each of them. As ever these reviews reflect nothing more than my own personal opinions and impressions, squished, squeezed and diminished into just a few short sentences. The shows I have selected have nothing in common, save the fact that they are all fictional stories for very young children and are all found on Cbeebies. They are not necessarily TV shows that I or my daughter particularly liked or disliked, nor are they sorted into any particular order. So, here we go.

Raa Raa The Noisey Lion

A young lion has fun playing with other animals (including some who really ought to be his natural prey) in the Jingly Jangley Jungle. In the first series the show’s format is a little ill-defined, but by series 3 this insufferably self-absorbed little lion hears a different sound which he goes off to investigate and learns an important lesson along the way. Not bad, I suppose but I find the protagonist a bit of a pain (and I suspect his animal friends do too).

⭐⭐⭐

Postman Pat: Special Delivery Service

Postman Pat sure has evolved since my day. There’s a lot more excitement as Pat races against a ticking clock and insurmountable odds to deliver a particular item to the right place. Even as a grown-up, I do find it mildly entertaining and my daughter loves it. A firm favourite of both myself and my daughter.

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

Woolly and Tig

Right from the heart of my native Glasgow, Woolly and Tig follows the every day adventures of a little girl called Tig and her toy spider, Woolly, who occasionally springs to life to impart some pearl of wisdom whenever Tig encounters something new or confusing. This show has a cheap and cheerful feel to it but is nice to watch all the same. Another firm favourite of my daughter.

⭐⭐⭐⭐

The Twirlywoos

At first glance, this is a bizarre little program about a family of faintly bird-like creatures who live on a boat under the benevolent dictatorship of the faceless ‘hooter.’ Every now and again their boat will land and the hooter will send the Twirlywoos off into the real world to learn some new concept. Apart from being a little strange on the surface, it’s actually pretty good for teaching young kids some very basic concepts. My own daughter is a bit too old for it now and hasn’t really watched it for a good year or two but she loved it when she was still very little.

And in a weird way… so did I.

⭐⭐⭐⭐

Bitz and Bob

Ah yes, my daughter’s latest obsession. Bitz and Bob is about a girl and her little brother playing imaginative games with their toys and using science to solve problems. Entertaining and educational (though I don’t understand why Bob’s robot costume is the only ‘toy’ that doesn’t function in their imaginative games; it’s almost like Bitz has a pathological need to be the hero every single time). However, be warned, gentle parents: the music may drive adults to drink.

⭐⭐⭐

DON’T FORGET TO CHECK OUT ALL THE PREVIOUS EDITIONS OF SUPER SNAPPY SPEED REVIEWS
Super Snappy Speed Reviews: Children’s Edition (Vol. 4)Super Snappy Speed Reviews: TV Edition (Vol. 3)
Super Snappy Speed Reviews: Books (Vol. 4)Super Snappy Speed Reviews: Children’s Edition (Vol. 2)
Super Snappy Speed Reviews: Doctor Who EditionSuper Snappy Speed Reviews: Children’s Books Edition (vol 1)
Super Snappy Speed Reviews: TV Edition (vol. 2)Super Snappy Speed Reviews: Writing Apps for Android
Super Snappy Speed Reviews: Books (vol. 3)Super Snappy Speed Reviews: Games Edition
Super Snappy Speed Reviews: Star Trek EditionSuper Snappy Speed Reviews: Books (vol. 2)
8 Super Snappy Speed Reviews: Film5 Super Snappy Speed Reviews: TV Edition
8 Super Snappy Speed Reviews

Thanks for taking the time to read this post. If you enjoyed it, don’t forget to ‘like’ this post and also follow us so you never miss another post. You can also follow Penstricken on TwitterPinterest and like Penstricken on Facebook.

Want a blog of your own? Start writing today with WordPress.com!

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ATTENTION AUTHORS:

Every Tuesday, I post a new edition of Spotlight: a short post which shines a proverbial spotlight on a published novel or collection of short fiction. If you would like to have your book considered for a future edition of Spotlightdrop us an e-mail including a short synopsis of your book and a link to where we can buy it. Better yet, send me a copy of your book and I can include a mini-review.

I’m still looking to interview fiction authors here on Penstricken, especially new or indie authors. Whether it’s books, plays, comics or any other kind of fiction, if you’ve got something written, I want to hear about it. If you’re interested in having your work featured on Penstricken, be to sure to drop us an e-mail or message us on Facebook/Twitter/Pinterest.

Please be advised that due to a recent surge in interest, I am presently committed to a significant number of reviews/interviews over the next couple of months. If you would like an interview or review, I would still love to hear from you, though it is unlikely that I will be able to begin work immediately.

You can check out our previous interviews here:

Throwback Thursday: Using Google Docs for Writing Fiction

Originally published 01/12/2019

I’ve resisted using Google Docs for writing fiction for a long time. It’s not that I think there’s anything wrong with Google Docs. Lots of people swear by it and I had no reason to doubt the good reports I was hearing, however I’m already pretty well established in the apps I like to use (Scrivener for long works like novels and Focus Writer for shorter pieces). Besides, in spite of all the good things I’d heard about Google Docs, it sounded a bit too much like a plain old fashioned word processor, without any peculiar functionality that might make it stand out to a fiction writer such as myself.

However, Christmas is coming. And here on Penstricken, Christmas can only ever mean one thing: the Penstricken Christmas Special. That meant I had only a few weeks to write, edit and publish a 1,000 word Christmas story and – to be perfectly frank – I don’t have a lot of time on my hands for starting a brand new story from scratch. I have a full time job, a toddler and (lest we forget) a novel I’m supposed to be writing. Most days I’m lucky to get half an hour to write, and I can’t possibly devote it all to the Penstricken Christmas Special. Then I had a brainwave:

Google Docs stores your work online so you can continue writing on the go!

My plan was to use a set portion of my normal writing time to work on the Christmas story using Google Docs on my PC, while using the Google Docs Android app on my phone to continue writing whenever I had a spare five minutes in my day (when I’m on the bus, during lunch breaks, etc).

Seeing no alternative to this plan, I swallowed my pride and began writing my first draft on Google Docs, starting with the browser version. The first thing to do is choose a template for your document. There are loads to choose from and not one of them has anything to do with fiction writing. Unwilling to be deterred, however (I mean, really, you don’t particularly need a fancy template for writing short works of fiction), I decided to start with a blank template.

So far, my thoughts on the subject had been proven absolutely right. At first glance, Google Docs really is just another word processor. In some respects, this was a good thing. It took absolutely no time to learn how to use, since everything is very familiar to anyone who has ever used a bog-standard word processor before. Another major selling point was the fact it automatically saved your work to Google Drive and instantly made it available to you anywhere in the world. You can also make your work available offline.

Perhaps its most obvious selling point is the fact you can share your work with other users who can edit your work or add comments. This is handy if you’re writing collaboratively or are looking for someone to give feedback on your work. Comments appear in small boxes to the side of your work which are anchored to particular portions of the document. You can reply to each comment, allowing for easy discussion with your fellow editors and, once you’re happy the issue has been resolved, you just click the button labelled ‘resolve’ to hide the comment. Personally, I like to write alone but I do find the comments function a useful tool for getting feedback on my writing.

Another key feature I found useful as a story writer was the outline function. It took me a little while to figure out just how to use this, but essentially the outline feature allows you quickly navigate around your document using headers, which is essential if you’re creating a lengthy piece of work and don’t have the benefit of Scrivener’s binder for separating your work into chapters and scenes. Alas, you can’t do too much to customise your outline. It’s basically just a list of links to every portion of text you’ve formatted as a heading, but you can’t use it for actually outlining or planning your story in any meaningful way.

My one big concern with using Docs to write my Christmas story was the mobile app. My plan relied pretty heavily on being able to seamlessly transition between the PC browser and the mobile app, but in my experience, mobile writing apps are often clunky, cluttered and have limited functionality. Fortunately, it wasn’t nearly as bad as I feared. There’s a small menu bar at the top and bottom of the screen as you write, allowing you to easily access to basic functionality such as formatting your text, adding comments or undoing and redoing. Everything else is discreetly tucked away in a menu you can access by tapping the button on the top right hand corner of the screen.

In short, Google Docs is a good online word processor and is has more than adequately served my needs when it comes to writing this Christmas flash fiction. I don’t think it would be much use in the planning stages of any story and I certainly wouldn’t fancy writing a longer piece of work on it, but for every day short story writing on the go, it’s more than equal to the task.

And hey, it’s free.

My rating: 🌟🌟🌟🌟


Thanks for taking the time to read this post. If you enjoyed it, don’t forget to ‘like’ this post and also follow us so you never miss another post. You can also follow Penstricken on TwitterPinterest and like Penstricken on Facebook.

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ATTENTION AUTHORS:

Every Tuesday, I post a new edition of Spotlight: a short post which shines a proverbial spotlight on a published novel or collection of short fiction. If you would like to have your book considered for a future edition of Spotlightdrop us an e-mail including a short synopsis of your book and a link to where we can buy it. Better yet, send me a copy of your book and I can include a mini-review.

I’m still looking to interview fiction authors here on Penstricken, especially new or indie authors. Whether it’s books, plays, comics or any other kind of fiction, if you’ve got something written, I want to hear about it. If you’re interested in having your work featured on Penstricken, be to sure to drop us an e-mail or message us on Facebook/Twitter/Pinterest.

Please be advised that due to a recent surge in interest, I am presently committed to a significant number of reviews/interviews over the next couple of months. If you would like an interview or review, I would still love to hear from you, though it is unlikely that I will be able to begin work immediately.

You can check out our previous interviews here:

Spotlight: Magical Miri by Debra Kristi

There are the witches of the Quarter, and then there is the unwanted magical bloodline. The family so secret, even its youngest members are unaware. That would be mine.
Grandma always told us we came from a powerful bloodline. A bloodline derived from one of the strongest witches in New Orleans past.
Mom disagrees. Had us believing it was nothing but lies.
Wanting to get us away from grandma and her fanciful ideas, Mom moves us in with her boyfriend. Sticks us in the French Quarter. A place where my family isn’t welcome.
Everything is changing. Mom is always working to pay the new, higher bills, my sister is experimenting with magick, and my brother, I think, maybe drugs. Forced to start at a new school and attempt to make new friends, I’m now having nightmares, seeing ghosts, getting teased as a witch, and preyed on by vampires. Plus, there’s the creepy, stalker ancestor in my head.
But to all my crazy, there’s a silver lining. I’m seeing a new, amazing guy, named Phillip… if Mom’s overbearing boyfriend doesn’t chase him away….
How do I straighten out my family and uncover my own personal truth, when the devil in the works might possibly be sleeping under the same roof?

Praise for Magical Miri

I adored this book, Miri coming to terms with her abilities and all the hiccups along the way. Overall, a great read and one that I recommend!

Joey Paul, ‘Review of Magical Miri by Debra Kristi’, Joey Paul Online, 29/05/2020

Have you read Magical Miri? Why not leave a wee comment below and let us know what you thought of it.

Click here to buy Magical Miri on Amazon.

Click here to check out Debra Kristi’s website.


Thanks for taking the time to read this post. If you enjoyed it, don’t forget to ‘like’ this post and also follow us so you never miss another post. You can also follow Penstricken on TwitterPinterest and like Penstricken on Facebook.

Want a blog of your own? Start writing today with WordPress.com!

WordPress.com Jetpack WooCommerce

ATTENTION AUTHORS:

Every Tuesday, I post a new edition of Spotlight: a short post which shines a proverbial spotlight on a published novel or collection of short fiction. If you would like to have your book considered for a future edition of Spotlightdrop us an e-mail including a short synopsis of your book and a link to where we can buy it. Better yet, send me a copy of your book and I can include a mini-review.

I’m still looking to interview fiction authors here on Penstricken, especially new or indie authors. Whether it’s books, plays, comics or any other kind of fiction, if you’ve got something written, I want to hear about it. If you’re interested in having your work featured on Penstricken, be to sure to drop us an e-mail or message us on Facebook/Twitter/Pinterest.

Please be advised that due to a recent surge in interest, I am presently committed to a significant number of reviews/interviews over the next couple of months. If you would like an interview or review, I would still love to hear from you, though it is unlikely that I will be able to begin work immediately.

You can check out our previous interviews here:

Monday Motivation


Thanks for taking the time to read this post. If you enjoyed it, don’t forget to ‘like’ this post and also follow us so you never miss another post. You can also follow Penstricken on TwitterPinterest and like Penstricken on Facebook.

Want a blog of your own? Start writing today with WordPress.com!

WordPress.com Jetpack WooCommerce

ATTENTION AUTHORS:

Every Tuesday, I post a new edition of Spotlight: a short post which shines a proverbial spotlight on a published novel or collection of short fiction. If you would like to have your book considered for a future edition of Spotlightdrop us an e-mail including a short synopsis of your book and a link to where we can buy it. Better yet, send me a copy of your book and I can include a mini-review.

I’m still looking to interview fiction authors here on Penstricken, especially new or indie authors. Whether it’s books, plays, comics or any other kind of fiction, if you’ve got something written, I want to hear about it. If you’re interested in having your work featured on Penstricken, be to sure to drop us an e-mail or message us on Facebook/Twitter/Pinterest.

Please be advised that due to a recent surge in interest, I am presently committed to a significant number of reviews/interviews over the next couple of months. If you would like an interview or review, I would still love to hear from you, though it is unlikely that I will be able to begin work immediately.

You can check out our previous interviews here:

TV Review: Norsemen

Spoiler Alert

Anyone who has not seen series 1-3 of the NRK TV series Norsemen is hereby advised that this post may contain a few unavoidable spoilers.

My wife and I were, once again, looking for something new and light-hearted to watch on Netflix when we stumbled upon a curious little number which we affectionately dubbed ‘silly Vikings.’ Norsemen is a Norwegian historical comedy which chronicles the silly, base and often senselessly violent comings and goings of a group of Vikings living in the village of Norheim in 790 AD.

I’ll be perfectly honest and say it took a long time for us to decide if we actually liked this program. Normally when we watch a new thing on TV we have a strict ‘turn it off if you don’t like it’ policy and this show took a good two or three episodes to really get going. Nevertheless there was something compelling about it even then and we stuck with it until the very end.

But was it any good?‘ I hear you cry.

There’s something in me that says this map will create a lot of problems for many people for several seasons.

Jarl Varg breaks the fourth wall in, s.3, e.6 ‘Scrotum Whipping’

In spite of the fact this show is sold as a comedy (and with its off-beat style, low-brow gags and occasional winks at the fourth wall, it unmistakably should be defined as such), I didn’t actually find it that funny. It had its moments, sure, but I hardly cracked a rib watching it either. But let me tell you why I enjoyed it anyway.

Unlike a lot of comedies which focus on an individual character getting into funny situations, this show actually had quite a few main players, all with well defined motives, goals and conflicts which the viewer could easily sympathise with. I don’t have time to list every one but a few that stood out include:

  • Arvid (Nils Jørgen Kaalstad) – torn between settling down in the village with a wife and his love of raiding and just a little sensitive about his weight, Arvid is hand picked by the chiefton on his deathbed to be his successor though he is not the next in line.
  • Orm (Kåre Conradi) – cowardly, lonely and with a fondness for spying on people as they defecate, this slipperly little man is next in line to be chiefton though no one wants him around.
  • Frøya (Silje Torp) – this muscle-bound female warrior loves to go on raids (including raping men). She also has the misfortune of being married to Orm, whom she despises.
  • Liv (Kristine Riis) – gold-digger and nagging wife par excellence.
  • Jarl Varg (Jon Øigarden) – one of the nicest guys you could ever hope to meet turned murderous tyrant because his friends made fun of his hair loss, Varg is obsessed with procuring a map to the West where he believes he will find endless plunder.

The character driven nature of the plot and the interplay of the various subplots was frankly excellent for a comedy series.

A little word of warning: while not especially graphic, there are some pretty adults themes referred to in this show. There’s a fair bit of casual violence and bad language, as well as jokes about sexual violence and a small number of mild/non-graphic depictions of the same.

All in all, a bizarre little show, undeniably low-brow in some respects and with off-beat humour that only managed to tickle me slightly. It took a little while to get started, but once it finally did get going, I found myself quickly starting to love it. Well written, well acted, full of rich characters and perfectly rounded off plot. If you can stomach a few adult themes and don’t mind the odd nod to the fourth wall then give it a go.

⭐⭐⭐⭐


Thanks for taking the time to read this post. If you enjoyed it, don’t forget to ‘like’ this post and also follow us so you never miss another post. You can also follow Penstricken on TwitterPinterest and like Penstricken on Facebook.

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ATTENTION AUTHORS:

Every Tuesday, I post a new edition of Spotlight: a short post which shines a proverbial spotlight on a published novel or collection of short fiction. If you would like to have your book considered for a future edition of Spotlightdrop us an e-mail including a short synopsis of your book and a link to where we can buy it. Better yet, send me a copy of your book and I can include a mini-review.

I’m still looking to interview fiction authors here on Penstricken, especially new or indie authors. Whether it’s books, plays, comics or any other kind of fiction, if you’ve got something written, I want to hear about it. If you’re interested in having your work featured on Penstricken, be to sure to drop us an e-mail or message us on Facebook/Twitter/Pinterest.

Please be advised that due to a recent surge in interest, I am presently committed to a significant number of reviews/interviews over the next couple of months. If you would like an interview or review, I would still love to hear from you, though it is unlikely that I will be able to begin work immediately.

You can check out our previous interviews here:

Throwback Thursday: The 5 Circles of Inspiration Hell

Originally published: 20/08/2017

It was an ordinary day like any other. The sky was grey and the bus was late. Suddenly, the tiniest green shoot of an idea sprouted in your head. It was small, but healthy and full of promise and you knew — you just knew — that it was going to be the novel/play/film that you would be remembered for in generations to come. Today was the day it finally happened. You got inspired.

Of course, experienced, wise and learned authors know that before you can sign that publication deal and pick up all those awards, you’ve got to actually do something with your wave of inspiration to turn it into a fully fledged story. Initial ideas (especially plot bunnies which unexpectedly pop into your head) are always full of holes, not all of which can be easily plugged. It takes effort to craft it into something that really works.

Those experienced and wise authors I mentioned will know exactly how to handle their ideas and will churn out a good story in no time at all. The rest of us, however, if we’re not careful, might find ourselves languishing somewhere in INSPIRATION HELL.

Abandon hope ye who enter here. Wanderers in this dismal place may find themselves endlessly going around and around the same circle for weeks, months or even years before moving onto another or, worse yet, back to one they’ve already been on. They are damned to be forever inspired without completing a single draft. As a former inmate, it is my sorrowful privilege to shew unto thee the Five Circles of Inspiration Hell.

I: The Burrow of the Plotbunny

If you ever find yourself walking along one day, minding your own business when a wonderful and more-or-less fully fledged story idea suddenly pops into your head with little or no effort, beware! You are in danger of wandering into the Burrow of the Plotbunny. On the surface, it is a paradise where the ecstasy of inspiration fills even the most self-doubting writer with confidence that they will one day become the next Shakespeare, but in the end, nothing ever gets written lest the euphoria be broken. Those who find themselves in the Burrow of the Plotbunny are forever doomed to think about the wonderful idea they’ve had and dream of the day they publish it for all the world to enjoy… but they never actually begin to write it.

II: The Drawing Board of Despair

After spending untold days, weeks or months wandering in the futile bliss of the Plotbunny’s Burrow, you may decide it’s finally time to make your idea really happen. And so you conclude, quite correctly, that if you’re ever going to break free of Plotbunny’s Burrow, you’ll need to sit down and plan out your story. So far, so good. No good idea ever became a story without much toil.

However, beware! It won’t take more than a couple of minutes attempting to bring some structure to your idea that you begin to realise this idea isn’t nearly as good as you thought it was. It’s full of holes and is going to take way more effort than you ever dared to imagine. In fact, you’re not even sure if it ever can be crafted into a good story. The longer you spend, scratching away at the old drawing board, the more you tie yourself in seemingly impossible knots and sink, ever deeper, into a pit of despair. You’re no author. You’re ashamed to have ever thought you were.

III: The Pants of Denial

You wake up one morning after a good night’s sleep and remember that idea you had… that idea that was so wonderful until you tried to plan it.

‘Yes…’ you say to yourself, ‘it was planning that ruined my story…’

So you decide to throw away all notions of planning and simply ‘pants’ it instead. You convince yourself that if you just make it up as you go along, you’ll have a finished draft in no time. The trouble is, all those holes and problems you discovered with your idea at the Drawing Board of Despair weren’t caused by planning. They were simply discovered through planning. And so you spend eternity churning out disjointed narrative after disjointed narrative until you’re up to your armpits in random scenes and character auditions that serve no purpose. You convince yourself you’re making progress but the problems you faced at the Drawing Board of Despair remain unresolved. Your idea is still full of holes.

IV: The Fires of Refinement

Your enthusiasm has taken a few bruises now but you’ve accepted that your idea will never become a true story unless you sit down and plan it properly, even if that means making drastic changes to your initial idea. And so you decide to try planning again, only this time, with a more realistic attitude.

Your idea sucks. You know it to be true. But that’s okay, because all ideas suck until you turn them into a story. So you plan diligently, ruthlessly, killing whatever darlings stand in your way. You twist and mould and sculpt your initial idea until it’s no longer recognisable. But it’s taking shape. It’s getting better. It’s becoming a story. In fact, you even manage to produce a first draft. It’s hard graft and it hurts like blazes but you’re finally beginning to make real progress as you put your precious idea through the fires of refinement.

If you’re thinking this is a great opportunity to break free from Inspiration Hell, you’re absolutely right. In fact, you’re within spitting distance of The Pearly Gates of Authors’ Heaven. But beware! There is a trapped door beneath your feet which leads to…

V: The Pit of Capitulation

It was all going so well. You endured the pain of true planning and clawed your way to the very brink of completing your novel. You might have even produced a draft.

But it sucks. Your plan sucks. Your first draft sucks. You suck. And so you fall upon your own sword. You refuse to work on that idea any longer. The whole idea is dead to you.

What you failed to realise is that first drafts are meant to suck. Bringing a good idea to fruition requires perseverance. Planning, drafting and redrafting are all vital stages in producing anything even remotely good but it can be so difficult to keep going when your momentum starts to falter. You must persevere to succeed. The truth is, your initial idea really did have potential; potential it was perhaps even starting to realise. But potential alone does not make for a good story. It must be refined and polished again and again before it will truly shine as a story.

So… is there a way out of Inspiration Hell?’ I hear you cry.

Yes, there is.

First, you must actually begin working on your story idea. Second, you must remember that no story idea is perfect. It may have potential, but it will require serious effort and darling-killing if you’re to refine it into something worthwhile. Finally, no matter how hard it gets and no matter how awful your plans and drafts appear to be, remember and keep the Golden Rule:

Quitting is NOT an option!


Thanks for taking the time to read this post. If you enjoyed it, don’t forget to ‘like’ this post and also follow us so you never miss another post. You can also follow Penstricken on TwitterPinterest and like Penstricken on Facebook.

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ATTENTION AUTHORS:

Every Tuesday, I post a new edition of Spotlight: a short post which shines a proverbial spotlight on a published novel or collection of short fiction. If you would like to have your book considered for a future edition of Spotlightdrop us an e-mail including a short synopsis of your book and a link to where we can buy it. Better yet, send me a copy of your book and I can include a mini-review.

I’m still looking to interview fiction authors here on Penstricken, especially new or indie authors. Whether it’s books, plays, comics or any other kind of fiction, if you’ve got something written, I want to hear about it. If you’re interested in having your work featured on Penstricken, be to sure to drop us an e-mail or message us on Facebook/Twitter/Pinterest.

Please be advised that due to a recent surge in interest, I am presently committed to a significant number of reviews/interviews over the next couple of months. If you would like an interview or review, I would still love to hear from you, though it is unlikely that I will be able to begin work immediately.

You can check out our previous interviews here:

Spotlight: Birth of a Spy by Duncan Swindells

How far would you go to protect the one you love?

Out of work Cambridge graduate Scott Hunter breaks Second World War Enigma codes. His girlfriend is desperate for him to find a job and settle down, so when a fresh code lands unexpectedly on Scott’s doorstep, he promises it will be his last, little realising that revealing the dark secrets it has protected for over fifty years will shatter their lives forever.

Birth of a Spy is the first in the Scott Hunter Series. With Cambridge and London as their backdrop, espionage and intrigue collide with action and adventure in this fast-paced thriller.

Praise for Birth of a Spy

If you enjoy spy novels or delving into WWII alternate history then I would certainly recommend.

Wayne Davids, ‘Birth of a Spy – Duncan Swindells’, Dinlas’ Book Reviews and Other Nonsense, 08/07/2019


Have you read Birth of a Spy? Why not leave a wee comment below and let us know what you thought of it.

Click here to buy Birth of a Spy on Amazon.


Thanks for taking the time to read this post. If you enjoyed it, don’t forget to ‘like’ this post and also follow us so you never miss another post. You can also follow Penstricken on TwitterPinterest and like Penstricken on Facebook.

Want a blog of your own? Start writing today with WordPress.com!

WordPress.com Jetpack WooCommerce

ATTENTION AUTHORS:

Every Tuesday, I post a new edition of Spotlight: a short post which shines a proverbial spotlight on a published novel or collection of short fiction. If you would like to have your book considered for a future edition of Spotlightdrop us an e-mail including a short synopsis of your book and a link to where we can buy it. Better yet, send me a copy of your book and I can include a mini-review.

I’m still looking to interview fiction authors here on Penstricken, especially new or indie authors. Whether it’s books, plays, comics or any other kind of fiction, if you’ve got something written, I want to hear about it. If you’re interested in having your work featured on Penstricken, be to sure to drop us an e-mail or message us on Facebook/Twitter/Pinterest.

Please be advised that due to a recent surge in interest, I am presently committed to a significant number of reviews/interviews over the next couple of months. If you would like an interview or review, I would still love to hear from you, though it is unlikely that I will be able to begin work immediately.

You can check out our previous interviews here: